Valley Vittles Three Napkin Burger

Valley Vittles in Slocan Park
$12 and change

I had to go up to the Co-Op in Slocan Park to order some oil for heating my home.  When I was almost there I noticed the 'Open' sign lit up at Valley Vittles just before the Co-Op when driving up the Slocan Valley.

"Sweeeeet!  I'm gonna finally get to crack into one of those fuckers!"

Amie told me about it when I was doing my burger tour thing last summer.  Every time I went there it was closed though.  I was either too early, too late or came on a Monday when they were closed.  

I don't get up there too often, but it just wasn't workin' out for me when I did.  It was just a spontaneous thing, so I wasn't prepared with my camera or laptop to write about it properly.  It was nice to just sink into a burger normally though.

I went through the door and looked around quick.  It's a quaint little place.  Home-y!  I was welcomed with a friendly hello.  I smiled and said hello back, and that I was sent there for a burger.

I was checkin' out the board and seein' what they had.  I ignored most of it 'cause I was only interested in a burger as I had been jonzin' for one for awhile, but never really acted upon fixing that urge.

I went with the "Loaded too" burger.  It had bacon, cheese, banana peppers and avocado...among other stuff.  The regular "Loaded" burger had BBQ sauce instead of avocado.  I'm not really a big fan of BBQ sauce on a burger.  The only exception to that is if I am at backyard BBQ kinda thing and the patty is basted in the sauce while on the grill.  That's the only time I am interested in that sauce.

After I ordered I went and sat down.  Even though I didn't have my glasses and couldn't read shit, I flipped through the Nelson Star just for something to do.  I did see Marion's obituary.  That made my heart sink, but I felt glad that Tara and Justine had told me about her passing last week so I didn't find out from the paper.  That would have been a crushing blow to have found out that way.  Good gawd I loved her!

When the girl brought my burger she asked me who sent me.  I told her that Amie had.  (Amie is her sister.)  

"Oh my gawd!  You're the burger guy!"  

That made me laugh.  

"Yup, that's me!"

She asked my name, and we got to talkin' from there.  She is a super nice person.  Her name is Melissa.

Melissa pointed to the can of Coke I had on the table and told me she had a Ginger Ale stashed for me for months.  I was flattered.  I told her that I don't get up the Valley at all too much, and every time I did she was always closed, but that I had to go to the Co-Op to order some oil for my home and noticed that she was open.

She told me she was afraid of me, which kinda made me curious as to what Amie had told her.  Seeing that she had specially had some ginger ale on the stash for me, and knowing myself how honest and merciless I am when I write about food, I pretty figured out the basic gist of what Amie might have told her.

I said wasn't prepared like I usually am when I go out to eat now...that I usually have a camera and laptop.  This was spontaneous.  I also said I don't announce myself, I just order normal like anyone else and give my honest take on things.  When I write, I never say if I know the owner of a place or any of the servers, and I'm honest.  It's the only way to be objective, and most importantly, fair to everyone.

The first thing I noticed about the burger was the square bun.  That was definitely a stand-out from every other place.  I like things that stand out because they make it memorable.  "Off to a good start," I thought to myself.  

I asked her about the bun.  She said it was from the Pass Creek Bakery.  "Sweet!  Local!  Nice one!" are the words that fell outta my face when she told me that.  We talked a bit more, and then Melissa left me to it and went back behind the counter.

I wasted no time diving into it.  She had prepared me that it could be a bit sloppy.  I don't always like that, but sometimes I really love it.  It made me think of food at El Taco.  I embrace the full tilt sloppy there.  No matter how hard I try, I seem to get that shit all over myself and love every second of it.

Sinking into this burger I felt the same way.  I was like a warm juicy flavour overload of chaotic harmony.  I was shovin' that bastard in my face kinda like Homer Simpson at the all you can eat seafood place where the Sea Captain Guy was lookin' out from the kitchen as he said, "Aye..Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!"

That is the roll this burger reduced me to.  A remorseless eatin' machine!

I barely even noticed so much of it in ways.  It was too good to take the time to dissect.  I remembered seeing a piece of bacon sticking out when I grabbed for a sip of my Coke.  I looked at it and said, "Oh no you don't you lil' fuck!  You ain't escapin' my wrath!"  I pulled the rest of it out and ate it on its own.  "Nice try yuh bastid!"

There was sauce and pieces of avocado, banana peppers and lettuce falling on the plate.  I'd push 'em into a pile with my hand and then pick up the mess and stuff it into my face too...then shove more of the burger in my face.

Even while ravaging the fucker I took mental pause a few times to laugh at her being afraid of me.  The was definitely nothing to be afraid of!  The Valley Vittles "Loaded Too" burger kicked total ass!

When I was done, my hands were covered in yummy, gooey slop!  It took three napkins to get them mostly clean.  I renamed it in my head, "The Three Napkin Burger!"

What a nice surprise this was.  Super friendly service, and a kick-ass burger.  I absolutely recommend stopping into Valley Vittles for a bite.  It seems kind of inconspicuous when passing by on the road, but over the years I have found that those can often be the best places with the best food.  

The Valley Vittles Three Napkin Burger was packed with love.  I can tell you that much!

I'll be going back for sure...probably later in the spring.  Next time I'll be packin' my camera to take a few photos.