In Defiance of Myself

I just got myself a rowing machine.  I've been wanting one for a long time.  I messaged this quickly to my friend, Jo, about it...

"can only do short spurts on my rowing machine.  hurts my lower spine and kidneys like mad, so i am on it 3-5 times a day instead of less times for longer durations"

She asked me,

"Do you know why it hurts your lower spine and kidneys?"

This was my response,

"yes.  'cause my body is shitty.  in a way, i am not at all looking forward to triathlons again because of how much it hurts me to sit on a bike.  it just gets worse and worse.  even though we have brand new paved roads in my community, I put off riding this summer til next spring because it hurts too much.  I'm saving riding til next year.  i have to re-think the way I ride a bike and find a new one that suits how I have to ride.  sitting is just so bad.  rowing machine hurts in different way.  as i eluded to, it gets my lower spine and kidneys.  i just gotta stop whining and toughen up...and get through it bit by bit...try to keep extending sessions, you know, go a little bit further into the pain each time to where it will eventually either melt away because it is so bad, or i just stop giving a fuck.  either one is inevitable."

All this is kind of a strange thing for me.  I don't really like that I always have to charge straight into pain to do simple things.  At the same time, it's all I know, and I like being defiant...in this case, against my pain and my body.  

I separate myself from my body.  There's my body and my pain within it, and then there's me...who I am.  The 'who I am' part...

I love stickin' it to the man!
I love fuckery!
I am no stranger to defiance!

In my own case, my body/pain is the man, and I am in defiance of its own comfort every time I charge into the thick of shit.  When my body screams at me to stop, it usually makes me want to dig in harder...shove the pain right back in its own face and kinda make fun of it.

I love being in defiance of my own self.  There  is something quite satisfying about that.  To find that unintentional defiance, I have to wade through the sea of excruciation.  That is always fun, but it is also very tiring because it is always a slug-fest all out brawl.  That shit can wear a guy out.

My problem is that I am always thinking about goin' for it.  It's never not on my mind.  Every day!  That is not going to change.  My desire drives me into madness, and the only way to fend off that insanity is to dive into the pain.  

As much as I have to restructure the whole realm of triathlons just to be able to do them again, and knowing how much it is going to hurt me to do so, the madness in my mind leaves me no alternative.  I have to embrace what lie ahead within it all.  So, I'm stuck!  I have no choice but to make myself hurt more just to ease the chaos in my mind.  It turns out that I am lucky that I am a defiant little fucker 'cause it makes it much easier to stick it to the hurt.

Jo-Ann is an animal.  Kept chargin' through two different ankle surgeries.