September 2, 2018: A Grateful Fail!
Montreal Smoked Hash
$13.65 after tax, before tip (I can't believe I tipped them 15% let alone at all!)
I'm not too sure when I first heard of the Grateful Fed restaurant. It was a few years ago at least, but I had not been out of the West Kootenay at that time. Needless to say, I was freakin' psyched to go there sometime. I had to go there!
I had three Okanagan trips for this little triathlon pack I put together for myself this summer, all taking me through Kelowna, so there is no way I would not be going to the Fed at least once.
Today was the day...the last of my triathlon tips. I just finished my last race in Summerland a couple hours ago, and was stopping here on my way back through town.
Like the idiot I am, I forgot to write down the address before I left home, but I had a pretty good idea of where it was. At least I thought it was on a road that started with 'B' that ran parallel to the main road coming off the bridge. I just had to turn left when I got into town and I should be OK as I remembered it to be a few blocks.
I found it easier that I thought I might. I definitely had some anticipation flowing when I located this place from the street. The real challenging part was finding a shaded parking spot for Fennario. After a few laps, trying to keep my wits to stay close to where I needed to be I got my parking sorted though...and only a block away from the restaurant.
So, here I was about to quench a multi year thirst of curiosity. Exciting!
I didn't wanna sit out on the patio because I wanted to see what it was like inside...straight through the door I went!
It only took about 2 or 3 seconds to be completely let down. It should just be called some kinda classic rock thing regurgitated thing. There is barely any Grateful Dead anywhere. The only damned actual record I see of theirs is Skeleton's From The Closet. If you know your shit, you know that is the shittiest record the boys ever put out. A crap-ass best of released by a label after they left it to capitalize on their back catalogue. (DO NOT LISTEN TO THE "TURN ON YOUR LOVELIGHT" ON THAT RECORD! They took that beauty, edited the shit outta it, and turned it into an absolute abomination!) Speaking of an abomination, they put it right next to a Coors Light neon sign. I'm not even a beer guy, but I know that shit is absolute garbage!
I went to the washroom when I first walked in though and it was way down the hall at the back of the building. I had to walk past the kitchen. I took a quick glance when I passed by. Daaaaamn...shit just keeps gettin' gnarlier!
(An offshoot part of my job is to inspect the kitchen where I work, so I know what to look for, and this one...Shit maaaan...those guys don't want me walking through there, that's for damned sure!)
I took a photo of the only real Dead section on the wall, but I couldn't sit beside it 'cause they were rolling cutlery into napkins. This place seemed to be a crash course on how to shitty even shittier real fast! I sat beside the Beatles section because of a couple Beatles nut friends of mine. An old-school bro, Dave, and a newer friend, Kelly. Thinkin' of those two were the most positive experience in there.
The music they are playing hurts my ears and definitely licks balls! Of course it wasn't Grateful Dead, or any of the post-Jerry group arrangements, nor was it any of the boys' solo groups. Not even anything close like Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Doors, etc, etc, etc. It was some ball lickin' metal(ish) music that made me wanna stick ice picks in my ears just to take my mind off of the torture I had to sit through!
Although it is 1:30pm, there is no lunch menu, only breakfast. Total bummer again. I did not sleep in and am hung over, I want some lunch, not breakfast in the afternoon, but oh well, take what you can get I guess!
The tiny menu was very limited and not very appealing either. I got a Montreal Smoked Hash. Outside of thinkin' 'bout Dave and Kelly, pretty much the only positive so far is how fast the food came.
I needed to send a message to a friend who was possibly meeting me there, so when she brought me my food I asked if they had wi-fi.
The password was one they did not deserve: fedheads
I didn't even have to punch in the password though as it just connected automatically. Surprise, surprise...they can't even do that right!
I immediately put a post on my facecrack account:
"At The Grateful Fed in Kelowna right now. Talk about false advertising. Wonder if I can sue for that shit!"
The server said she would bring me some jams for my toast, but didn't do that. Oh well...par for the course. I'm just gonna plow this food into my face so I can get the hell outta here.
As for the food itself...
Where's the ooooooze?!
There is definitely a smokey flavour to the food, but let's face facts, this shit ain't hard to make or fuck up!
Food OK, but overall rating:
Oops...I was wrong...food is salty as fuck and I didn't even put anything on that shit. Also...eggs over easy my ass! Eggs over cooked more like it! This place can suck it!
When the server brought my bill to me, she got all excited about the sticker on my laptop: The Funk Hunters. I told her it came with my laptop, that I bought it from my friend. Then I told her, if I put a sticker on it, it would be like the shirt on my back, which was a Grateful Dead tour shirt.
Was I shocked that this girl got psyched on Funk Hunters and couldn't give a shit about the Grateful Dead in a restaurant called, The Grateful Fed? Not at this point.
When I left I saw they had packed up the patio. I guess it was a short day which is why no lunch menu. Seemed strange to close so early on a sunny Sunday of a long weekend, but was no surprise.
What a total fuckin' joke! The food sucked! The kitchen was a disgrace! The decor licked balls! The music made me want to kill myself!
...and they couldn't give one sweet fuck about the Grateful Dead!
As a true connoisseur of all things Grateful Dead, I found the Grateful Fed nothing short of absolutely insulting!
I didn't take a photo of the outside front of the place when I left, because at that point I just couldn't give a shit!
When I got to my van I apologized to Fennario for the waste of time. (I wonder if any of them would even know the significance of my doggie's name...oops...I don't have to wonder that. Of course they wouldn't!)
I got in my van and popped in an old tape from 12-12-73 and blared it. I needed to knock that shit outta my head and get it straight with what the Grateful Dead really meant!
Stuff Writin' About Kinda Guy
I am a simple guy who likes to dream of the impossible and go after it. I have found fun in writing about my journey as well as other things that inspire me too.